Giving up a Dream & Getting a Dream

2011-08-21T12:48:00.001-07:00

I posted over on my new blog. Getting back my sassy

TTFN,
Pez

Over there

2011-08-06T10:21:00.000-07:00

I posted over on my new blog. You can click on that link to read it if you want.

TTFN,
Pez

Pictures

2011-07-30T14:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry the first two look green tinted. We need a new camera. The green chair seems to be Irish Dancers new favorite place to sleep. hehehehe.

Long post

2011-07-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

This week Mini Pez started swim lessons. She had some earlier in the summer and the teacher was so impressed with how quickly she was getting it that she offered me a space in the class that started this week. There are so many great qualities to Mini Pez but this one is definitely my favorite. She is such an encourager, not by me prompting her to be. She just is all on her own. When she is in class if another kid is having a hard time she is always right there to help them, hold their hand or give them a hug. It is amazing to watch and makes me realize I need to be more of an encourager to her. I love her so much, she is just so amazing and as my mom's friend calls her "An Old Soul." I agree. She has the most infectious laugh it makes you start laughing no matter what mood you are in. She turns 5 in 3 months. I am not ready for that. My baby turns 5. YIKES! She got her shots for public school on Friday. I prepped her for the fact that they are going to poke her finger and get some blood to check her iron level. She begged me not to let them take her blood. Poor Mini Pez. She was brave and did not scream. So we went and got our nails done. A nice Mani/Ped made it all better.

Irish Dancer is just getting bigger everyday. She is still very serious, but she does on occasion smile and laugh. I will post pictures below. She just wants to be held. Her eyes are still blue, but the tinge of Mr. Pez brown is coming in. In true Mr. Pez fashion her hair is also turning from jet black to blonde. It is a lighter brown right now. Still stands straight up in the faux hawk. At this point I can't imagine her without it. I did brush it down after her bath the other day. It is long enough that it stayed down. I ended up trying to get it up. I did not like it down.

I won a drawing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I follow some craft/sewing bloggers. Leah at Sew Spoiled hosted one for Janey Mac. I won!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was going to get something for the girls room. I went and looked in their room and realized that the place we live in now, there is no wall space to put something up. I have a big open space on the wall with the staircase, I think I am going to do something there instead. I always tell Mini Pez and Irish Dancer "I love you up to the moon, I love you as big as the sky." It is from a song by Kim Hill called Up to the Moon. There is a vinyl art one called Love you to the moon and back. The picture does not come up on my computer so I am going to email them and ask if they can send me something with a picture of it. If it looks good I am going to get that. After that I am not sure I am going to have to look at the website and find something. I was in shock when I realized I was reading my NAME!

I have discovered this website called Pinterest. It is really cool. Way better than Google Reader Starring method. I just need to figure out why I can't drag the little pinning link to my tool bar. It is a virtual pin board. You can "pin" ideas, recipes anything you find on the web you can pin there under different "boards" that you make and when you want that one thing you can find it. It is really cool. Plus you hook up with your friends and you can see all the stuff they are "pinning" and if you like something you can repin it to your board. Sounds confusing when I am writing it out. But go over and check it out. You have to fill out this little form thing and then they will invite you to join within a few days. Or, if you want I can invite you I think. My comments don't post unless I approve them so you can leave your email address and if it will let me invite you I will. I just double checked and I can invite friends so you can leave your email address in a comment and I will invite you and not post that comment.

So this will be one of the last posts on this blog. I am ready to start blogging about my crafting and sew adventures. I forgot to take pictures of a buttercup bag that I just made for a bridal shower. It was not a good one. I tried to put a zipper in it, bad idea. My hem was all OVER THE PLACE! I lost my zipper foot and it was not easy to do without it. The bride seemed to like it and so did everyone else. I am now going to make a Hobo Bag for my friend S. This brings me to the reality that I really am ready to go forward. I hope you will follow me over there. I have started setting it up. I have all of the coupon, craft/sewing and IF bloggers that I follow. I am going to past this over there also. I am going to get some pictures up for the banner soon. I have to figure out how to make a series of picture to put up there.

I hope you are all having a good weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

Weird day

2011-07-19T20:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was just a weird day. I am glad I will only go through it once.

It was 3 years ago that we lost the twins. I did not think about them that much. I told Mr. Pez that night I can't imagine my life with the twins. I can't imagine my life without Irish Dancer. In an ideal world I would have all three of them. At this point though, I would not give up Irish Dancer to get my twins.

I feel guilty for not thinking about them; for not wanting to give up Irish Dancer to get them back. It makes me feel like a bad mom to them all over again.

It was just a strange day.

TTFN,
Pez

I wonder

2011-07-16T21:10:00.000-07:00

There are several blogs that I followed, but they have just stopped blogging. One was pregnant and I wonder what happened to her and her baby. Another one had two losses and was moving to another state, she just stopped also. There are several others just like that.

I hope they are well.

I am working on my sewing and making some stuff. I have made a top and I am working on some more. I am going to post pictures of them on my other blog. I am going to move over to this blog. I hope you will follow me there. I will post about life and the sewing or craft that I am doing. I need to get it set up.

I am ready to move on. I have grieved all I can grieve. I need to say good bye to my angels. It sounds weird, but I feel like I need to say goodbye and move forward. Maybe it is because I gave birth to them and never saw them. I am not good with things that are left with no closure. That is what I feel is left with the twins. I struggle with this though. I already feel like I have betrayed them in so many ways. In reality I know I will never forget them, but I feel like saying goodbye will lessen my connection with them. My head knows that is not the truth, but the heart; well that is always a different issue.

That is about it for me.

TTFN,
Pez

Beautiful Sacrifice

2011-07-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

There is a song that I heard for the first time the Sunday after I had Irish Dancer. It is called "Beautiful Sacrifice." There is a line in it that says "What a beautiful sacrifice Love has made." I realize they are referring to Jesus dying on the cross. I can't help but equate it on some level to my angels. They sacrificed so that the Irish Dancer could be here with us. What mission does she have that is so important?

TTFN,
Pez

9 and 40

2011-07-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

Well, Wednesday was my 9 year annv. Mr. Pez bought me a self healing cutting mat, metal bobbins, and a dart seam measuring thing. I was so excited. The other exciting thing was I got a Spot Bot. Nice.

I also turned 40 on Wednesday. Yep, I got married on my birthday. It was a great day.

Irish Dancer is just great. She is easy going and happy most of the time. If her back side is on the floor or she is not feed when she is ready then she is mad. She is flat out TICKED when she is in her car seat. WOW that cry that girl gives is CRAZY!

Mini Pez, well my heart is hurting for her right now. She is just having a hard time. Being Daddy's Girl and then watching him love on Irish Dancer is really starting to take its toll on her. She loves Irish Dancer, but when she is ready to sleep in a crib Mini Pez wants her to go live with another family so that we can go back to a family of three. She is having some serious melt downs. I have hired someone to come once a week to watch Irish Dancer so that I can take Mini Pez out and just have some alone time.

That is about it for us right now. I hope you are all having a good weekend or weekday whenever you read this.

TTFN,
Pez

7 weeks, photos and life

2011-06-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hello,

So here are the long over due photos of the Irish Dancer

Mini Pez got a new hair cut and is in swim and ballet. She was scared the first few days of swim, but now she is a fish.

Irish Dancer has a look of fear on her face when she first realizes that Mini Pez is holding her. hahaha.

Mini Pez and I both have new hair do's. Her's is short with a pink feather. Mine is in a bob.

Sorry to be short, Irish Dancer is awake and wanting to eat. I need to go. I will update later.

Irish Dancer is 7 WEEKS ALREADY!

TTFN,
Pez

Sorry

2011-06-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry,
This is the first chance I have had to just sit for a few minutes. I have had a small chance here and there to read your blogs. I have not commented, I have only a chance to do a quick scan.

I will be posting and commenting on Tuesday after my in laws leave. I am hoping to have pictures also. Mr. Pez took the hospital photos on his I.Phone so I don't have a way to get the hospital photos on here.

Mini Pez is loving on her little sister. Irish Dancer is great. Mellow for the most part. She is gassy and that can cause her to get upset. I am going to talk to the ped on Monday about how to switch formulas and about switching to a gentle non gas formula. She does not like to nurse, to much work to latch and stay latched. She is very low maintenance. I wonder where that comes from? ;)

Ok got to get back to the family downstairs.

TTFN,
Pez

Today

2011-05-17T20:16:00.000-07:00

The Irish Dancer is GREAT!!!!!! She sleeps all the time. She eats alot. Mini Pez LOVES her. She wants to show her off everywhere we go. It is great to be home and have her as part of our family.

I went to the OB today. The swelling in my feet and hands and face has not gone down. So I get to a room the nurse checks my blood pressure and then bolts. Before I know it Dr. H is in the room and wants me to lay down so she can check my blood pressure. It went down some when I laid down. I am on bed rest, I have to keep my feet above my heart. I have to call and check in with the doctor if the swelling does not go down each day. I have to call for sure on Friday and let her know how much the swelling has gone down.

Here is hoping that the swelling goes down enough each day.

Back to laying down with my feet up.

TTFN,
Pez

Pictures

2011-05-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

Hello,

Sorry, my mom is here and I have been preoccupied. That is a different post though.

I will have some pictures up tomorrow. You have to see her two chins.

It feels like the Irish Dancer has always been here. It is great to be home with her. Mini Pez is having a hard day. Today she said she does not want to be a big sister anymore. That broke my heart. She bounced back some. Tomorrow is a new day. I knew it was going to be a hard transition for her. Over 4 years with just mom and dad then BLAM! It is really hard for her when Mr. Pez is holding the Irish Dancer. It is really hard on her. She is such a daddy's girl. I know it will get better and she will adjust, it just hurts to see her struggle.

I need to go and focus on my mom. I hope you all have a good night or day dependant on when you are reading this.

TTFN,
Pez

She is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-05-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

This is the first chance I have had to jump on to the internet.

The Irish Dancer is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was born at 5:46 pm Monday May 9. She weighed 8lbs 3oz. She has super chubby checks and thighs. She is beautiful!! So sweet and cuddley.

She is an almost perfect carbon copy of Mini Pez. Just a little chubbier in the checks and thighs.

I will post pictures when I get home.

TTFN,
Pez

May 8

2011-05-07T20:15:00.001-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to you all.

I hope you have a good day.

TTFN,
Pez

5 days and 6 days

2011-05-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

In 5 days I will be checking into the hospital at this very time.

In 6 days I should be home with a newborn baby girl.

It is so exciting and yet I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this being reality not just a great dream.

TTFN,
Pez

May 9th

2011-05-03T17:54:00.000-07:00

I went to the OB today and I am 80% effaced and 1.5 cm dilated. I am scheduled to be induced on Monday May 9. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The OB said if something feels funny or just alittle off to call and we are in the clear to have the baby anytime between now and Monday. I ssssssooooooooooooooo badly want to find a reason to call and say um meet you at the hospital. I am not sure I can find a good reason though. Plus, I don't want to lie and take advantage of the doctor.

6 days I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TTFN,
Pez

Project Resolve Infertility Myths

2011-04-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

So often when someone encounters loss we all feel a need to offer some sort of condolences. I have found that when it comes to infertility and pregnancy loss there really are no condolences that are comforting. I am a Christian woman and in writing this I realize that there are many women out there that have been hurt by what most Christians have to offer. My reason for writing about these myths is not to convert you or Bible thump you with "Christiane terms." It is to share my journey and what I have found to be the truth.

Project Resolve this year the topic is Infertility Myths and how they have affected you. There are so many to choose from. Foods to eat, Herbal remedies, just relax, adopt and it will happen the list goes on. Where do you start? I think for me the "Myths" that affected me most were from well and some not so well meaning Christians.

When we struggled for a year to get pregnant with our daughter Mini Pez I was having a hard time understanding God and why I was being denied a family. I felt like God was no where near me, like He had abandoned me. I could not understand why? I have always been taught that God is ALWAYS with you, and He will never abandon or hurt you. Yet this was more hurt and pain that I could bear. Mr. Pez and I agreed to stop because I was leaving for a trip to Honduras in three months and just on an off chance I did not want to be in the first trimester. When I got home surprise I got pregnant. I relished EVERY moment. Even the labor. I was thanking God constantly for this miracle.

I was ready to try again and so was Mr. Pez. We got pregnant on the first try. I was over the moon! I felt like God was saying "See how much I love you." Then we found out it was twins. My heart was overwhelmed. I always wanted twins. I just could not get over how much love God was showering on me. Then at 11 w 5 d my worst nightmare started and dragged on for 4 weeks. I started spotting and then bleeding like I never knew you could. The doctor could find no reason for it and said welcome to the rest of your pregnancy, everything will be fine. July 18, 2008 was not fine. I went into labor, my water broke and I lost my babies. This started the darkest time of my life. I felt like God was playing a cruel joke on me. How could he do this? Why would he do this? I WANT these children. What about all the unplanned pregnancies, abortions? People who abuse their children? Why let them have kids and not me??????

People felt like they had to say something to me that was profound and comforting. It was God's will, It is better that they are in Heaven. You should be rejoicing not grieving. You are being ungrateful, you are a fair weather Christian. It is not my place to ask God why? I could go on.

Where was God? Is He really grieving with me? Why is He not making the pain stop? As the months went on and I was not getting pregnant I really felt like God was kicking me while I was down. He was ignoring me and my pleas for a family. My depression spiraled and I felt so far from God. I needed to know where God was and why He was doing this. As many people as there were saying hurtful things in the name of being a good Christian support to me, I was blessed to have Mr. Pez and his brother-in-law and his wife. I asked him for an answer and he gave me a verse that I have not forgotten to this day almost three years later. "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:45

It made me stop and think what I grew up being told. God loves EVERYONE! You and me, equally, no favorites even if it seems like. I struggled and wrestled with God for just over two years. Each month BFN, where is He, why??????? Matthew 5:45 echoed in my head.

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

This is where He was and is now. The thing is, I was keeping Him away.
"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:29

God is a gentle God, if you want Him to stay at bay then He will. He still loves you and He is still trying to reach you and show you His love. He will not force Himself on you, but He will pursue you. Whether or not we choose to see it is ultimately up to us. God's love is a gift that He freely gives and NEVER takes away. We the receivers can give back the gift or not accept it at all.

It took me two years to work through this, to come to a place of peace with knowing God in a new way. A way that I have never intended. I did not want to know God this way. I was good with how it was before. Do I believe God would purposely kill my children? No, God is not a God of evil doing. He is however a God that wants to be intimately involved in our lives. God grieved with me during the loss of my twins. Infertility, pregnancy loss, disease and death were not God's original plan for our lives. But, when Adam and Eve sinned by eating fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Things changed. God wants us to live our lives to the fullest. Satan wants us to wallow in the grief, anger and frustration.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

God wants us to live life to the fullest. I could not understand how infertility and pregnancy loss were living to the fullest. That came in the way of giving up all of those feelings and letting God make something good out of it. I am waiting to see how this time in my life is used.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him" Romans 8:28

I have found peace in God and knowing that He is as close as I will let Him be. I have learned to give more grace to people who say things and do not realize how hurtful they are.

I don't know if this helps you or if it just makes you upset. I just wanted to share my journey and expel the Myth that God is not with you. He is with you always. We each have to make a choice to know this as truth, and to surrender our lives constantly to Him.

Pez

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/takecharge.*

The question I never like answering

2011-04-12T19:42:00.000-07:00

People have asked is this my first baby? Or what number is this one? I dread these questions. In my heart the answer is no, this is number 4. Generally though, my answer is no. Then I wait for them to ask what one is this. Not everyone makes it to this question. I usually tell them this is our second. If it is a Christian and they seem like they can handle it I say this is my third and then explain that we lost a set of twins.

I always feel like I have disowned my babies when I leave them out. As if I am denying that they ever existed. I mainly leave them out because of the way people treat you after you acknowledge children that they don't consider real or that they think so not be counted. I know I should not care about that, but dependant on the situation it can make time pass really slowly and to be very uncomfortable.

I am just trying to get over the guilt trip I have put on myself for the past few days. I have been getting noticed and have had those and similar questions asked allot recently.

I am just getting really emotional right now. I am guessing it is just the build up to the Irish Dancer's birth.

TTFN,
Pez

Infection again

2011-04-07T20:27:00.000-07:00

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my obs. Dr. G male was really nice in the hospital and it was great to hear Irish Dancers heartbeat for three hours. We now know our way around the hospital.

I saw Dr. G female today. She came in put down my chart and came over to me and held my wrists and asked how was I doing? Then she started talking about how my body is just not giving me any breaks during this pregnancy.

It is indeed another infection. I found out that they want me in the hospital for monitoring to see if A) the baby is alive and is good or in distress B) if I am having regular contractions, that means the infection has gotten pretty far and they may not be able to just put me on meds. They may have to take the baby. I know I am not explaining this one very well. Sorry reading it does not make sense like it does when the nurse explained. I think I was just to overwhelmed to take it in and then reexplain it. Sorry. C) If they can see if there is a bleed from somewhere else.

I am so glad to know that they go the extra mile to make sure that they cover every base. I also appreciate that they don't stop at these are the symptoms and if you don't have them then they don't look for it. The spotting is all I have to let them know I have an infection. It is not a typical symptom.

It does make me wonder, if my other OB had though outside the box would I still have my twins? I can't go there though. It is just not worth the grief or any other negative emotions that it could evoke.

Well, I think that is about it for me. I hope you are having a good week and have a good weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

A most famous quote~~~~~~~~And it is not from Bill & Ted

2011-04-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

"Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."

I think just about everyone knows that is from Dirty Dancing. Johnny tells Baby she is so strong, brave and not scared of anything.

After the twins, I kept moving like a zombie. I was finishing up my final year as MOPS Coordinator at my church. I wanted to quit, Mr. Pez said no, I need to finish. He was right; if I did not have MOPS to focus on to get me through that year. I would have been a basket case. Just the way I am wired and God blessed my husband with knowledge and the encouragement I needed to make it through. Just one more reason to love that man so dearly.

I have people at times that say I am brave and strong. Those people have no idea what is really going on inside me. I wonder what they see that gives that impression? I feel frail and timid, cowardly at times even. I am scared most days. I don't really feel the Irish Dancer like I did with Mini Pez. Allot of times I wonder if she is really ok, is she still alive. I wonder if IT happens, what will I do; how will get by with out the Irish Dancer?

Ok, enough of the debbie downer post. I am going to spend some time with Mini Pez. She is on a roll today.

TTFN,
Pez

Just because it is fun

2011-04-06T11:47:00.001-07:00

I had a tearing sensation yesterday and then spotting a little bit later. So, I called the doctor and she had me rush to the labor and Delivery for monitoring. I was there for three hours.

The Irish Dancer is fine and there was no sign of tearing or bleeding in the ultrasound. So, I go into tomorrow to get checked for infections.

I think I have scared Mr. Pez from any further pregnancies in the future.

I still want one more.

TTFN,
Pez

Normal

2011-04-04T18:03:00.000-07:00

YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My liver function is NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so glad. I would rather be itchy than have anything that could possibly hurt the Irish Dancer.

I got a gift certificate to get a pedicure. Yea, I am using that at 37 weeks.

I was so over whelmed at my baby shower. The RSVP count was 35, and there were so many people there that people were standing. I think there was over 40 people. The back of my Xterra and the right passengers seat was filled to the roof of the car. It took Mr. Pez 2 hours of sorting and cutting tags. I have 5 bags of clothing and a wagon full of toys.

I am just so overwhelmed that that many people are so excited for us that they took time out of their family Sunday to come and celebrate with me. I was in tears for most of the shower.

I need to go and fix dinner.

TTFN,
Pez

Philipians 3:17-21

2011-04-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

17 Join together in following my example, brothers and sisters, and just as you have us as a model, keep your eyes on those who live as we do. 18 For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

This scripture was read during worship today. It painted the most beautiful picture in my mind. When my twins went to heaven they were given glorious bodies. They were met by their uncle and a cousin. Shortly after they stood at the gates to welcome my grandmother. With her new glorious body. Restored and healthy. None of them sick and all with the knowing that some how they know each other.

I am grateful that there is a place for them, that when they died that was not the end. They are in heaven and blissfully unaware of what is going on here on earth. What I would not give for just one moment to look on my babies faces, but that would mean they have to leave heaven. I really don't want them to leave such a beautiful place to come down here though. Once more time to say I love you grandma, or just to have seen my brother, and my nephew/niece. But again, I don't want them to come down from heaven just for that.

I love knowing that one day I will be there and I will see my twins. It hurts alittle to know that for all of us it will be the knowing that we know each other and that is all. It will not be a reunion like on the show The Locator. They embrace and cry and hug and talk all day. We will just see each other and know we know each other and then continue on praising our God.

It is a beautiful picture that I will cherish always.

I hope you have all had a good weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

Reasons to be in a funk

2011-04-02T09:10:00.000-07:00

I had my 34 week check up!!!!!!!! I am measuring at 35 weeks, I only gained 2 ounces. The Irish Dancer is still very much head down.

I asked the nurse about the stiffness in my hands and she said it is from fluid retention. Ah, Then I asked her about the itching I have been having and that nothing helps stop it. She had this look on her face and said, you need to talk to the doctor about that. My thought; that is weird the nurses always answer those questions.

The doctor enters the room, I ask if I can use a lotion with a cortisone in it and she asks where the itching is. I tell her my hands, wrists, ankles, lower back and lower abdomen. I at this point know that this is more than just the fact that I am swelling in these areas.

The doctor goes on to say that certain organs as you get bigger start to not function as well. There is a condition that can affect the bile and salt being broken down in your body. You are itching from the inside out and that is why nothing will help that. The way to end this is to deliver the baby. She ordered a liver function test I did that this morning.

I decided to consult Dr. Google. There is this thing called Cholestasis. I think that is how you spell it. The main symptoms are itching, depression and loss of appetite. I have all of those. It has been weeks since I have had an appetite. I just force myself to eat. I just figured that was because everything is squished right now. It is common in the last trimester and does not sound that serious. I am grateful that if this is what I have it is not life threatening to Irish Dancer or me. Not surprising just extra monitoring. I can handle that.

Although, without an actual diagnosis I am just jumping to conclusions. Right now I am hoping that I don't have this and that it is just because it has been so hot here that I am really swollen and that is causing the itching. Either that or it is just in my head.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

Mr. Pez

2011-03-31T17:47:00.000-07:00

Today on our way back from getting our Tdap shots Mr. Pez told me about a coworker who called and said Congrats. I hear you have a baby coming soon. Is this number 1 2 3 or????

Mr. Pez said this and I thought I was going to ball.

Well, down here she is number 2, but in Heaven she is number 4.

I am truly blessed that my husband does count our twins as part of our family and he is not afraid to tell people.

It just made me realize this is how God made our family. That is what I will tell Irish Dancer if she ever asks if she is only here because we don't have the twins here.

TTFN,
Pez

My heart is overwhelmed

2011-03-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

I have been vacillating between normal and being in a funk allot lately. But, God has really shown me why I should not be in a funk.

1) You always hear the trite comment "We are a church family." Well, I can honestly say that is just not a trite statement when I talk about my church. It really is a family. When I was on bed rest I had teens volunteer to clean my house, people were bending over backwards to clear their schedules to take Mini Pez. Meals and more. It was overload.

2) The miracles that God has been doing in the family friend who's son was sick, he is home and was healthy enough to be at the birth of his child.

3) My cousin is getting better. It will be a long road, but she is getting better. Also, just listening to her sisters talk I see how God is growing their faith through this.

4) The Associate Pastor's wife is on bed rest. Again, everyone is finding ways that they can help. Meals, cleaning taking their daughter. That is just being part of this church and being loved by everyone.

5) I am pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. There is a shower being held for me on Sunday. I went to add stuff online to my registries and people are already buying stuff for this Sunday.

My heart is overwhelmed by the love and support and excitement that people have shown since we made it public.

Why do I let myself get into these funks? I don't know, but I do know that God is so loving and being much more patient with me, than I am with my daughter. Why am I not looking around at all that He is doing in my life and the lives of those around me. I don't know, but I am going to work on changing that outlook. The only reason I am a debbie downer is because I let myself be that.

I hope you all have a good rest of the week.

TTFN,
Pez

Emotions running the gammet again

2011-03-28T20:31:00.000-07:00

Today is another one of those days. I have been working on changing pads, diaper clutch and nursing covers. Mixed emotions come and go in waves.

My mind wanders to my twins. Would I have been able to make stuff this time if they were running around?

Will the Irish Dancer wonder if she was a plan b since we lost the twins. Is she a plan b? Would I be pregnant with her right now if we had had the twins?

What will I say if she ever asks that question? I am not sure what to say or how to say it.

Just a strange day.

TTFN,
Pez

Pictures

2011-03-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

We had our church directory pictures last night. As I was putting on my make up I thought "ha, this is already obsolete for us." Then it hit me, three years ago when we did our last directory picture, I had the same thought. I just took a deep breath and held it together.

We get to church and wait almost an hour to go and get our photos. Mini Pez is such a cute pill of a girl. Her face in the pictures, she only smiled in half of them the rest she pursed her lips. TURKEY!!!! The photographer man, I must seriously just look fat. The guy only did side shots of me. Yes, I am so proud to be pregnant and walk the waddle and have the basketball tummy, but HELLO! Really, ALL side shots???? The one I picked, Mini Pez was all smiles, the guy said "Ok, everybody hug." So, Mini Pez decided to hug the baby. It at least did not show my stomach looking about 10 miles long.

Oh, and AND the guy asked if we would like to take some pictures sitting on the FLOOR!!! I looked at him and said, I wont be able to get up. He had this puzzled look on his face wondering why I would not be able to get up.

We left and we were just laughing. It was just to funny, I mean seriously just to funny. I still crack up thinking about the look on his face when I said I would not be able to get up off the floor. ROFL.

I hope you are having a good weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

People are interesting creatures

2011-03-24T11:09:00.000-07:00

First I must give kudos to (H) and BX. I sent an email to (H) letting her know how I felt. She called just after reading it and was so sorry. She felt horrible and was worried that this would affect our friendship. I could let it, but if I do then I would have to let everything that Fertiles say wreck all of my friendships. Also, that means I am harboring a grudge. God did not put me on this earth to be without fellowship, how would I grow or mature in my faith? I would not. He also clearly tells us not to hold a grudge, to forgive. So, I have, after I got it all out. The email to (H) was very healing for me.

BX called this morning and was also worried that this would affect our friendship. No, it won't, lets be real we all have areas that we need to watch what we say and do. I am sure I have mine, I just hope that out of love someone would call me on it. I don't want to be insensitive to someone elses circumstances in life.

I am very grateful that they could understand my side of this. I know there are people out there that would be of the mindset that I am over reacting or being to sensitive.

People are interesting why, well on Tuesday I went to the Coach store with a 30% off coupon thinking I could afford something on the clearance rack. HA!!! I went with my friend EL. She has her 3 boys with her and Mini Pez was in school. Everyone comes up and talks to her about her adorable 3 boys and she always mentions that she is pregnant again. She is only 6 weeks. I shudder each time she mentions it. There I stand with my big belly and as we left I realized that no one said a word to me about being pregnant. It is funny because usually all of the attention goes to the pregnant woman. I have to say as soon as she would start talking pregnant again I usually bailed, I would start looking at 6 and 700. dollar bags instead of sticking around for the rest of the conversation. It was funny though. Although I know most people are always surprised to find out I am pregnant. I guess I look more like a Dunlap effect than a pregnant basketball belly.

The sweetest person I met was today. I was leaving Babies R Us. Baby shower gifts in tow. This woman behind me asks, is this your first?
No it is my second.
When is your due date?
May.
Oh how exciting; You look great!
Thanks.
Are you going to have any more?
(boy did I have some moxy) Just being able to have the two is a HUGE miracle for us.
I have a friend that has to do IVF to have kids. It is really hard when you have infertility issues.
Yea, it is.
Well what a blessing and a miracle that you are having another baby. I am so happy for you.

Wow, that was the sweetest response to my first time of saying I am not able to have kids so easily.

I hope you all have a good day.

TTFN,
Pez

It was a laugh or cry moment, I laughed

2011-03-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

Once a week on Tuesdays a woman at church has anyone who wants to come over and work on unfinished crafts, or just hang out and talk you are welcome to her place after the kids are down at 7:30 pm to whenever. I went and cut out fabric for a diaper clutch and a coupon/shopping list organizer. I got my stuff done and was just hanging out. It was time to go so all of the other women that were there also got up to leave. I thought is was strange when the hostess(H) walked out with us. She was going ssssshhhhhhh. OK???

The rest is as follows

(H): "Pez, I need your urine."
Me: HUH??????????????
(H): I need your urine. As she is laughing. I need it for an April fools joke.
Me: Pause............. Oh.
(H): Uncontrollable laughter from her. BX and I were talking about how funny it would be if we showed our husbands a positive test for April Fools Day. Could you imagine?
Me: Uncomfortable laughter and disbelief.
(H): I will just bring them over and you can pee on them for us.
Me: I don't pee on sticks.
(H): Still laughing, you can just dip them then.
Me: I have only ever dipped all my sticks, I don't pee on them.
(H): M do you want one too?
M: No, Mr. M would be so happy and then to tell him sorry it is a joke is not funny.
Me: Walking to my car, thinking what is Mr. Pez going to say when I tell him about this.

Not sure what to make of all of this. (H)??????????? Seriously, I talked with her about all of my feelings after I lost the twins, and during the following two years. What is up with that?????????

As I laid in bed, Mr. Pez was still fuming. I told him the worst part of this, I am scared it would come up negative. Two years of negative test after negative test and being pregnant I am scared of it coming up negative.

I am so hurt that (H) would even find it funny, and to think of all the people to ask that it was ok to ask ME!!!!!!!!!!!! The last three preggers at our church, KM who had two losses before having a baby, she is on bed rest with her second. Or KB who just got her first positive after two years of IF and a trip to Thai Land to get the BFP. MJ, her sister has IF and has ended up going Embryo Adoption. Asking any of us is inappropriate. Asking anyone to do that is bad. How is that even funny?

I need to write her a reply, I can't even talk about it without tearing up.

I don't get people sometimes.

TTFN,
Pez

Got to read this

2011-03-22T14:16:00.000-07:00

This is the post by the couple from church that did IVF in Thai Land.

It is a source of encouragement to me about God's continued faithfulness and love to each of us.

Miscarriage or Miracle

TTFN,
Pez

I must be crazy

2011-03-20T18:47:00.000-07:00

I think I must be crazy. For about a year now I have wanted to do a tri.athalon. I am thinking if I give myself a two year goal, I could possibly do it. The first year would be focused on weight loss and getting in shape. The second year would be to focus on training. Oh and buying a good bike and learning when and how to shift gears.

I am wanting to go gluten free after the baby is born. I did a diet years ago called Prism. It is a gluten free life style. I lost alot of weight and I wish I had stuck to it.

Not much else going on over here. I have a peri.natalogist appt. on Tuesday morning. Yea, I get to see my Irish Dancer. =D

I hope you all had a great weekend and a good week.

TTFN,
Pez

A few days and some Miracles

2011-03-19T16:58:00.000-07:00

I am so happy to post all of this.

1) My cousin with Down.s has had a stable 30 some odd hours. Great news and she is also doing much better. New ventilator, no fever and they are taking down the amount of oxygen support incrementally right now. =D =D

2) The family from church, their son is off of ventilator and life support. He is awake and has already been moved to a regular room. I have not heard if his wife had the baby yet. I am just so glad that he is awake and he may not be able to be in the room when the baby is born, but at least he is not being told about it happening while he was out for 11 days.

3) The couple that went to Thai Land, she went in for a stat blood test and her HCG was 904. Wow!

So many miracles along these paths that deserve praise to God for. I have not included all of the miracles just a very brief recap. I am just so happy that this is how I am starting my weekend. It is a good start and I hope more good will keep coming for all them in the coming weeks and for one months. =D

I hope you are all having a great weekend also.

TTFN,
Pez

The rest of my emotions for the week

2011-03-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

So, here is the other side of my extreme emotions.

I have a cousin, she lives in CO and has Dow.ns Syn.drome. Their immune systems are compromised so getting sick is not good.

She has been in the hospital for almost 3 weeks now. She is heavily sedated. Downs can be so easily agitated that with all the tubes and stuff in her and all the tests they do they are doing this so that she is not agitated and making things harder on herself. Currently she has E Col.i, a type of Stre.p that is resistant to antibiotics, H1N1, Severe Pneumonia and a sinus infection. She has been on 100% oxygen and yet her blood oxygen saturation levels are in the 80% range. Today they drained two soda cans worth of fluid from her lungs. It is not good.

A family at church has a son on life support and his wife is due any day now with number 4. Things are starting to look better for him.

It has just been really strange, sad and scary. Being happy for one person and then worried in the next moment. Plus, I just want to be happy for my baby, I feel really narcissistic for wanting that.

On a side note, today I went to meet with a friend for coffee. We were meeting at this one place, and I understood it to be a place for moms who are not in MOPS to meet up. Well, I was the youngest one there by 20 some odd years(minus my friend, she is 5 years older than me.). So I say hello to this woman and she says "Oh, you are the one who lost her twins, right?" And what do you say to that????? Yes, I am "That one". Glad to be known for my failures as a woman. Not because I am funny or I used to run MOPS, but for my twins that I lost.

I think I am just in a funk and I can not get out of it. I must find a way out and soon, I don't like being so debbie downer.

TTFN,
Pez

What a week so far

2011-03-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

It has been a crazy week. I find myself vasilating between a wide range of emotions.

One of my cousins announced she is pregnant with number 3. I am very happy for her. Strange that I am also jealous. Hello!, I am pregnant now. Weird right?

My friend that went to Thai Land for IVF, well she got a BFP. She shared her first beta and from what I know following other IVFers low, but good. Her second beta came in low also. I just thought she could be a slow doubler like I am. Then her Monday numbers came in. Her numbers did not even come close to doubling.

I want this pregnancy to stick and for her to have a beautiful baby in another 8 months. I went from excited to sad. Right now I am just praying for a miracle.

I have a friend E, she was told she would not be able to have anymore children. 3 months later guess what???? Yep, pregnant. Then 6 weeks after she gave birth, pregnant again. 1 year later pregnant again. As of this morning, pregnant again. Without even TRYING! I am really excited for her, but also jealous.

I am feeling rather pathetic for being jealous.

I am very happy for all of the new babies, hoping that K's will make it.

TTFN,
Pez

Hello

2011-03-12T13:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I have been in kind of a blogging funk. I have so much to blog and no means of getting it from my head to the keyboard. So here is my best attempt at life the past week or more.

Missing my twins. I have wondered what it would have felt like to make it this far in my pregnancy with the twins. What kind of chaos it would be at home while Mini Pez is at school and the twins running around and me pregnant with the Irish Dancer. Were they girls or boys? What would their personalities be? I regret that I did not see them, hold them, get pictures. I wish I would have taken their bodies and had them buried. That I need to order their picture from Names in the Sand.

Excited about making it this far. Worried if I will have a live child at the end of this. Wish I could be more positive about the Irish Dancer coming home with us.

Tired of things like this morning when I was out to breakfast, I was helping someone with a baby in a car seat out the door of the restaurant. She said thanks and I said "I remember those days." She said "You get them again real soon." Me under my breath "I hope so." I am sorry that I can't just say yep very soon.

On the other side of things, I have been praying and missing the woman I was before I moved down here. I missed just listening to worship music and having intimate moments with God. It happened, it was beautiful. It was as if the rest of the world had disappeared and I was just soaking up the presence of My Heavenly Father. It was so amazing. This week there have been so many things to pray and intercede for and God met me there and helped me find a little bit of that woman I miss and so desire to be again. The moments that were the best when a certain song came on that fit a situation for someone that needed prayer and that song just some how would repeat itself. The CD player was in the kitchen and I was in the living room. There was so much peace and contentment in my house and in my heart. It was really just such an incredible time with God.

I think about sums it all up for me. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

Blogger of the day is............................

2011-03-08T19:30:00.000-08:00

Hello,

Here is the new Blogger of the Day. Princess Wahna Bea Mamma, I like her writing style. She writes in the form of a fairy tale. She does a great job of equating infertility to a fairy tale.

She is currently waiting to start a donor egg cycle. I hope you will go and visit her blog and wish her luck as she gets ready to start a new cycle in a few weeks.

TTFN,
Pez

Blogger of the Day

2011-03-04T19:11:00.000-08:00

Hello,

I am going to do the blogger of the day and a little blurb all in one.

Michele was my first follower. Her blog is called My Life After Loss, She has had several first trimester miscarriages as well as 2 second trimester losses. She is studying to become a Douala for women that are pregnant after a loss. She has fraternal twins, a boy and a girl. She is also losing weight right now and doing an excellent job at it. I hope you will all go and visit her blog.

************************************************************************************

On a different note, I had my OB appointment yesterday. The baby had a good heartbeat. I asked the doctor about the sever back pain I am having and what can I take. So, I can take 1000 milligrams of Tylenol Extra Strength each day, but if I can do without it it would be better. Liver function is lower right now so as much of a break as I can give it the better.

Tomorrow Mr. Pez, Mini Pez and I are going to register at another place. I have a checklist of what I need. I have been talking to some friends that are still in the throws of infants and finding out what do you need versus what is just fluff.

10 weeks that is all that is left. Wow!!!!!!!!!

I hope you all have a great weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

Still in a funk

2011-03-02T10:35:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I am not much of a blogger these days. I am in a funk.

The whole registering thing really got to me more than I thought it would. I also have the cradle in my room next to my side of the bed. The baby shower planning is in full swing now. I went and bought some nursing tops and a cute skirt. Every so often the fleeting thought of did I just jinx myself comes to the fore front of my mind. I just can't keep out the thoughts that there are still things that can happen before she is born and even after she is born.

Plus Monday is the last day that I really felt the Irish Dancer moving alot. She seems to be not moving so much yesterday or today. How much of that is just from the fact that I have been on my feet and moving for long periods of time I don't know. It just scares me. I have my OB appt. tomorrow and I have been sleeping horribly for fear of no heartbeat when I go in. I call it the storm before the calm.

I don't know, it is just a strange place to be right now.

TTFN,
Pez

Pregnancy and Mr. Pez

2011-02-26T21:08:00.000-08:00

For several weeks now Mini Pez has been nagging me. I truly mean nagging. "Momma, you need your shoes. Momma, you need your jacket. Momma you supposed to turn here." It is really bad.

On Friday we were driving to my friend S's house and I was waiting for a car to pass so I could turn left. Mini Pez belts out "Momma, you need to turn here." Me, "I know, and it is NOT your JOB to nag me!!" Mini Pez, "Daddy nags you." My jaw dropped, I had no clue what to say to that. Where did it come from? I told her no daddy does not nag me and she is not my boss and she is to stop telling me what to do.

I called Mr. Pez and told him what happened. He was mortified. He asked if he did nag me. I said no.

I talked to my friend E and as we talked I realized ever since the infections and the spotting started Mr. Pez has become really protective. Every time I touch my stomach he would ask if I am ok, is it a contraction? Asking if I needed to take a nap, or if I should slow down. Mini Pez has seen all of this and she is trying to follow daddy's lead and be protective of mommy.

It made me realize just how hard this pregnancy is on Mr. Pez also. I knew he had/has his own process and all of the stuff from the last pregnancy to work through also. I realized that my rock and my strength has a weak spot and that my rock is chipped. I knew losing the twins was hard on him, I just forgot that this pregnancy was going to make him walk through all of his emotional scars from the past also. There was nothing he could have done to stop the loss. But as my husband he takes his responsibilities very seriously. He does his best to protect and to fix everything. The thing is pregnancy is out of his control and he is left with little ways to protect or fix.

I love Mr. Pez for more than just his ability to take care of us, his humor and his good looks. It is also for his frailty, for the fact that he is working through his scars and going above what he is expected to do as a husband. My life would not be as rich or as wonderful if it was not for Mr. Pez.

TTFN,
Pez

Blogger of the day

2011-02-24T19:25:00.000-08:00

Ok, I have had a hard time deciding on who to highlight next. I have decided to feature my first international follower.

Her name is Sue and she lives in Australia. Her blog is called Dreaming of where I want to be. She is working on weight loss and saving up to come to the USA to do Embryo transfer. She and her husband are going through the process of Embryo Adoption. Her life has been really full lately. Her parents have been sick and she has juggled work/ weight loss and visiting/taking care of her parents.

I hope you will give her blog a visit.

TTFN,
Pez

Blogger update

2011-02-20T19:08:00.000-08:00

SSSSSOOOOOOOOO I just posted the Blogger of the Day was Peapod and that she was near the end of her 2WW. Well, it is over and she has a positive Beta after their first IVF!!!!!!!!!!

Her husband VC had a blog also and he has posted the good news. Please go over with both of them congrats!!!

Pez

Hello

2011-02-20T14:13:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I have been in a funk for a little while. I have a bunch of stuff on my mind.

Here is the blogger of the day.

Peapod from Adding Peas to Our Pod. I am not sure how to describe Peapod other than to say she is AMAZING! She has a quiet strength about her. Talk about someone who has been through the ringer, 8 months ago she got the call she is pregnant. Then it started she spotted some, then her husband VC ended up in the hospital and while she was laying in a chair worrying about her husband she was also losing her baby. She went through a rough week. She took a break from blog and has come back to share her IVF journey. She is almost at the end of her two week wait. I do hope you will go and visit her blog and follow her journey.

TTFN,
Pez

Irish Dancer update

2011-02-15T13:49:00.000-08:00

We saw the Perinatologist today. Her approximate weight is 2 lbs 13 ounces. On the big side yet again. I was thinking I don't want a big baby like my friend K at church. She has 9 lbs to 11 lb babies.

She moves alot and I don't feel her that much. The tech was trying to get her heart and all of the sudden we watched her do a complete 360. It was crazy. She kept putting her hands on her face, like she was getting frustrated with the tech. Then out of the blue she turned and faced us. It was really BIZARRE!!! You don't see her eyes, just the skeleton so there are these big holes staring at you. It kind of freaked me out. We have chosen not to do the 3 or 4D ultrasounds so we don't see all of her features.

They also want us back in 4 weeks. I asked why? She said it is just the new standard of care to see us every 4 weeks and do measurements. Really? The umbilical cord is not a major issue and she is growing above the average. The doctor was at the hospital for an emergency so we did not even see him. I sent an email to my friend that is an OB nurse to ask her if we need all of these appointments or if we can wait a little longer. I love getting to see her, but I don't live close to this guy and he charges ALOT of money that we are running tight on.

Sorry, I don't mean to complain, I am very grateful to be pregnant, it is just feeling a little like we are being taken advantage of. Maybe I am wrong.

TTFN,
Pez

Feeling the Irish Dancer

2011-02-14T13:52:00.000-08:00

I have never told Mr. Pez this. The Wednesday just before we lost the twins we were laying bed and I felt the fluttering feeling for the first time with them. It was the flutter feeling amped up about 100 times. I said to Mr. Pez "Man, they are going crazy in there." It stopped after a few seconds. I smiled and went to sleep. I did not feel them again. I got a little panicked on Friday when I had not felt them and I was starting to get this tingling feeling. The tingling felt like it does when you are getting the stomach flu. I tried saying it must be from the new medicine I was on. Then it happened and in the hospital I realized that what I felt was not the first flutters. It was what they call a death roll or death rattle. In the movies they always show someone just falling asleep. That is not how it really ends. There is this moment when your body shuts down and that is when the rattle/roll happens. What I had felt was my babies dieing. As the infection ran rampant in my ute it also got to them.

When I feel the Irish Dancer move it makes me feel alot of things. Happy to feel her, and scared when it stops. I don't feel her move alot and it just gets me every time. Last night she was really moving and it brought that Wednesday night memory rushing to the forefront of my mind. I have been in such a funk all day.

On Saturday the church that I went to before I met Mr.Pez started posting the sermon notes from the pastor's message.

I read the message, it was about how our past experiences can create a toxic memory and it can hinder our growth. About how God wants to heal of us of these memories. We have to walk through the pain of the memory and God can heal that memory so that it is just something that we remember, but will not bring the pain, sorrow, grief and whatever else we have attached to that memory.

I think that message was there for me as well as the other members of my church.

TTFN,
Pez

And today's blogger is..............

2011-02-11T19:23:00.000-08:00

It is really tough to decide who to highlight.

Today I am going to highlight BrownIris from The (In)Fertility Diaries. She was one of the first three followers of my blog.

She has gone through alot, miscarriage, infertility and also finding out there are some genetic issues.

She and her husband decided to adopt, they have a beautiful boy named J, and a few weeks later she found out she was pregnant. She just had her 10 week appointment.

She is a great writer also. I hope you will all go and visit her blog and give her some hugs.

TTFN,
Pez

From this to that

2011-02-10T17:36:00.000-08:00

This is the fabric for my diaper bag

This is the finished product. Not to bad. That is Mini Pez holding the handle.

TTFN,
Pez

Today's blogger is.........

2011-02-09T13:11:00.000-08:00

Hello,

Today's blogger is Melissa from So It Goes. I found her because she started following my blog shortly after I started mine.

We have alot in common. We have little girls that are 6 months in age apart. We both lost a pregnancy in the same week in July. We are now 3 weeks apart in our pregnancies. She is 3 weeks ahead of me. We are both having girls.

I love how honest she is about all facets of her life, not just her infertility and pregnancy loss.

I hope you will all go and visit her.

TTFN,
Pez

Baby Shower

2011-02-05T08:49:00.000-08:00

Well a date for my baby shower has been set. It is so very surreal right now. I never thought I would be doing this again. I am excited and nervous all at the same time.

I have my moments of worry that maybe the Irish Dancer will not make. Sometimes I just don't feel her at all, and I worry if she is ok. Ugh!!!

I bought a big sister t shirt for Mini Pez and a onesies that says I love my big sis for the Irish Dancer.

I was given some clothing and shoes some stuff is really cute and some not my taste.

That is all for me. I hope you are all having a good weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

Blogger of the Day

2011-02-05T08:34:00.000-08:00

Hello,

So here is my blogger of the day.

She goes to my church and is an infertile also. She is in Thai Land right now with her husband to do IVF.

K is a great writer as you will see when you read her blog. She is a very sweet and inspirational woman.

I hope you will take a moment and go visit her and wish her well on her journey.

TTFN,
Pez

Blogger of the Day.

2011-02-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

Hello again,

Here is my blogger of the day.

Her name is Hillary from Making Me Mom. She is such a great writer, she is also the first blog I followed before I started my own blog.

She is very strong in her faith which was the main reason I wanted to keep following her. She was an encouragement to me to stay prayer based and keep pushing through.

She just had surgery and could use some encouragement right now. She had a fibroid removed. It sounds like there are decisions to be made about any more IVF after this last Frozen egg Transfer.

She is a great blog to read and follow. I hope you will all stop by and read her blog and cheer her on with her next cycle.

TTFN,
Pez

Tirade & Blogger of the Day

2011-01-31T19:16:00.000-08:00

So sorry for my tirade the other day. I have been doing alot of thinking and introspection. I have a bunch of stuff bouncing around in my brain and it is not coming out very well.

On to the good stuff.

I could not decide who to highlight today. I have been going back and forth with two bloggers that I follow.

I have decided to highlight A from Remember All the Way. She just got her first BFP after 4 years and alot of fertility treatments.

I found her via another blogger that I will highlight a different day.

She has been very real with her emotions and with the situations that she has been dealing with in the past few months. She has lost some friends that she has had since college, all because they are popping them out like Pez dispensers and she has not. She has a very sweet and supportive husband.

I hope you will take some time and go give her virtual hugs and congratulations.

TTFN,
Pez

Bone of contention

2011-01-30T19:52:00.000-08:00

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I have an angst when people use scripture out of context. This verse is one that gets to me when people just toss it around frivolously. Allot of people only refer to this scripture when it is something good that has happened and it is like see God said good things will come to us.

Hello, God has not promised us a life without trials or struggles. To me this verse is about our choice to let God in and make things good even when they are some of the darkest times of our life. I think infertility and PG Loss for me God works them for good in my growth and understanding of who He is and what the difference between His will, His sovereignty and His true character. That is the good that came out of this. It ONLY came though because I was willing to let God make something good out of it. Some trials God may use us to help someone else who needs comfort and counsel from someone who has been through it, but not everyone and not every situation.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Where do you even start with this one? It is such a miss quoted and misunderstood verse. People just tend to focus on the He will give you the desires of your heart part. They always leave off the verse before and the verse after. You completely lose the context of this verse.
Psalm 37:3 Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:
They take away the action that is required of us. Trust in the Lord, do good, delight yourself in the Lord, commit your ways to him. They leave all of that out. We have to trust Him with EVERYTHING! Not been my strong suite. We need to do good. Delighting ourselves in the Lord is not just saying Yea I am happy to be following Jesus. It means delighting in where we are and where He is leading us. Including the trials; of which I have failed miserable at being delighted. I get upset when people take away our participation in our faith.

Those are just some examples of scripture that gets misquoted or is misunderstood and it always irks me.

I am on this tirade because some missionaries were speaking at our church today. The most common question they get is why are you not speaking about the gospel yet? Why are you studying the language and the culture? Why don't you trust God to workout the rest?

Really???? The missionary replied, God can do whatever He wants, but we want to make sure we communicate properly. We do not want to misrepresent God or do something that could be a stumbling block. So, we are learning about their language and their culture so we can be the best example of God to them.

Again, why do people take our responsibilities out of our faith? Just on a rant about that today. I don't really know why.

TTFN,
Pez

New followers

2011-01-29T08:49:00.000-08:00

So each day that I can, I am going to tell you about either a blog that I follow and why I follow it or about a blogger who follows me and about their.

I have two new followers. I have read one of their blogs recently and it brought me to tears.

Her name is Paula and here is a link to her blog. It is called Wyatt's Way. She has 5 heavenly angels and 2 earth angels. She actually has two blogs here is the other one. Class of angels. Wyatt and Ethan were second trimester losses. I think she has had mostly second trimester losses actually.

As I read Wyatt's Way it was like seeing my own thoughts on her blog. I hope you will stop by and visit her blogs. They are well worth the time.

Paula, I am very happy that you have found my blog. I look forward to getting to know you better over time and the blogsphere.

TTFN,
Pez

I have been nominated

2011-01-26T19:51:00.000-08:00

I have been nominated for a Blog Award. Thank you BrownIris. BrownIris has a cool blog that you should check out.

The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Here are seven things about me:

The first time I met Mr. Pez I told him he was arrogant.

I watch Dirty Jobs, Pawn Stars, American Pickers and Ax Men.

I live in So. Cal and have never done the Vegas run.

I have a tattoo; I would have more but they are expensive now and Mr. Pez would leave me.

I freak out easily; I think that is kind of obvious from my posts though.

I CANNOT stand frogs. I don't even like pictures of them. GROSS!!!!

I will watch Little Bear even when my daughter will not.

15 Bloggers that I nominate are:

Melis.sa at So It Goes
Hil.lary at Making Me Mom
Peapod at Adding Peas to our Pod
Cheryl at Cheryl Looking Forward
Michele at My Life After Loss
Mrs. A at Remember All the Way

Ok, I don't follow that many blogs so there is all I have.

Thank you again BrownIris for the blog award.

I hope you are all having a good week.

I have had my care for the recurrent infections transferred to my boss. He is an Infectious Disease doctor. The pharmacy messed up my new meds so I am going to talk to my boss in the morning. I will just take the old stuff until then.

Not much else is up with me. OH wait, I am almost done with my bag. I just have to sew the inside together and then sew the inside to the outside. It only took me a month to complete. I am hoping I will be better about the rest of the stuff.

TTFN,
Pez

It is a beautiful site

2011-01-22T09:43:00.000-08:00

It is a beautiful site to see the medicine you need sitting on a shelf behind the pharmacy aid.

I was spotting again this morning. So my OB saw me in her office and it turned out I have BV again. It has gone on so long that there is inflammation and spotting.

I have to wait for an hour to get my meds. I am glad to know that there is one pharmacy out of the 5 in our town that carries it on the shelf. So here we go again.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

So far so good

2011-01-20T11:28:00.000-08:00

They did a urine analysis and the white blood cell count is down. That is good it means the medicine is working and the infection is going away. They are still going to wait on the culture to make sure that they have a strong enough medicine to get rid of the infection completely. The OB feels it is just a minor irritation due to the infection. As long as the spotting does not continue or get worse we are in the clear.

The braxton hicks are in the normal range so I am also good there. My OB did an ultrasound just to check the heartbeat and so we could see her. That was great also. She has changed to being butt down on my cervix and facing my back. So, I still won't feel her move that much. I will say last night when they had the monitor thing on to watch the contractions, she was ticked. I kept getting hit right where the monitor was. I wanted to stay all night just so I could lay there and keep feeling her hit me. It was a very good and reassuring feeling.

We have a name, :D Elizabeth Hope. YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Elizabeth means "Consecrated to God." It seems only fitting with this pregnancy that that is her name.

I bought a shirt for Mini Pez that says Big Sister, and I bought a new born onesie online that says I love my Big Sis. I feel like there is a commitment now to believing that we will bring the Irish Dancer home alive.

Well, I am off to get my little Mini Pez. Funny she is only at school for three hours and I miss her while she is gone. She is just to cute.

TTFN,
Pez

ER

2011-01-20T08:29:00.000-08:00

I am on my way out the door for my monthly check up.

I was in the ER last night/early this morning. I have had some spotting. There are some cultures being done to see what is going on and if the meds need to be strong.

Will let you know after I get back.

TTFN,
Pez

5

2011-01-17T20:30:00.000-08:00

So after all that blood work I had done last week what comes back showing something is wrong. My urine sample. Yep, I have infection #5. Bladder infection this time. I FREAKED out!!!!!!!!!! I have not felt the Irish Dancer moving today, I was not worried because she is down and facing my back so I don't feel her as much as I did with Mini Pez who was facing my left side. I did not know what to do, my primary was gone by the time I got the message on my cell. I called Mr. Pez and he told me to call the OB. So I did. I love my obs. Dr. H called in a perscription. She said this would not hurt the baby like the other type of infections that I have had. I hope it is just what the primary said and that I am ok until my appt. on Thursday. I am going to ask for a culture to be done.

This one really scared me. It is going to be a long wait until Thursday.

TTFN,
Pez

What people didn't know

2011-01-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

Today during worship they played some great songs. During the message my mind wandered and I thought about things people did not know about me during the two years after I lost the twins.

I never left my faith. I really struggled with it. Understanding what is God's will and what is life playing out because sin entered the world. From comments people made they thought I was giving up on being a Christian. Not true, why would I still go to church and make sure that my daughter goes to church. I still struggle with this concept, but I am finally beginning to understand better the difference between what is Willed and what is playing out.

That I was then and am now grateful for my daughter and my husband. I have never denied that I have much to be grateful for. But other people thought that I was not grateful for the things I have and that was sinning against God. What they did not know, I prayed and when I could I would also say thank you for the brief time that I was a mom on earth to my twins. I would also let God know that I was not ok with not having them here on earth, but I am still so grateful for them. Now I just say thank you and I no longer lament that I do not have them here on earth.

Not many knew that what I needed was just for them to listen to me struggle with my faith. I did not need to be slammed with lectures and how I should be and what I should be feeling. My friend J put it best when she said this "When you are in the midst of grief you don't know how to ask for what you need. You need people to just say let me do this and they do it." I just did not have it in me to tell people to shut up and just listen to me. I just need you to listen while I process.

On that note, I think some people were made to struggle. Jacob struggle with the Lord repeatedly. He was even so bold as to wrestle with an angel of the lord. It is just how we are wired, I think we are a facet of God's personality just like people who are compassionate or loving, merciful. I think we all represent different facets of God. I think the ones like me who must struggle to grow, are representing God's struggle with us and getting us to trust Him. I could be wrong, it is just what I think.

I think there are just allot of people that I have found through this that are just surface friends and some that are true deep meaningful friendships. I am forever grateful to God for the friends that He gave me that were always there to just listen to me process. They helped the most. But also for the ones who said the most hurtful things as well. They helped me with my growing faith also.

On a different note, I am 23 weeks. I am getting more excited about being pregnant as the weeks go by. These last few months feel like they are dragging on.

TTFN,
Pez

EKG and blood pressure cuffs

2011-01-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

I went on Thursday to my Primary Doctor. I have asthma so she is following me for that during my pregnancy.

She asked if I was having any heart issues. My blood pressure was REALLY high. I told her that I am having the heart palpitations. I said I had the high blood pressure and palpitations during my last pregnancies also. She did an EKG to make sure my heart was doing ok. It was 100% normal, my pulse is also rather high. So she told me to order a blood pressure cuff and to keep a log with my rates and bring it back in two weeks. In the mean time she is running a bunch of blood tests. The vampire phlebotomist took 4 full vieles. Mr. Pez asked if I had any blood left.

My cuff just got delivered so now I am going to open this bad boy and see what type of batteries I need to run this.

I hope all had a good week and have a great weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

My conversation today

2011-01-12T20:01:00.000-08:00

I think I have said this before, but just in case I have not we live in an apartment.

I stopped by to say hello to the manager. She is really nice. She asked how the pregnancy is going. So I gave her the update. She made the comment about how this pregnancy has been a real struggle. My reply shocked even me. I said "Well, it has been a good pregnancy." "In the sense that when we lost the twins, I also lost alot of my faith." "This pregnancy has been about rebuilding my faith and trust." "If it was a text book pregnancy where would the faith and trust come in and how would it be restored."

I believe that God restores and redeems us. It is just not always the way we expect. Mine has come in going through some minor struggles.

Elise Morgan is the founder of MOPS INTL. She once gave a talk and shared how sometimes God gives us beautiful gifts wrapped in beautiful paper with bows and we just know that there is something great inside. Then there are times when God gives us gifts wrapped in a beat up box with brown packing paper and twine for ribbon. We complain about those gifts, in retrospect they can be the best gifts. Easy times are the beautiful wrapped boxes, trials are the beat up brown boxes. It is in the trials where we either grow the most or regress the most. This pregnancy has been full of trials and I am finding myself growing. It feels good to grow again.

Trials for my friend L, her brother in law died on Tuesday morning. Good news he accepted Christ. He was greeted by his brother. He left behind his wife and 4 children. My friend is doing good, sad but she is ok that he passed away.

I hope you have a good rest of the week.

TTFN,
Pez

Replies

2011-01-11T07:35:00.000-08:00

Mel.issa, we are no closer to a name. I threw another one into the mix. It was on the banned list with Mini Pez. Shea, I love that name. So far it is 1 place no name; 2 place Alexandria & Elizabeth; 3 place Jillianne; 4 place on my list it is tied for first Shea. We will see, I am hoping I win the name game this time.

Cheryl, the umbilical cord only happpens in less than 5% of all pregnancies. It is most common in Identical twins and Higher Order Mulitples where the placentas fuse together. The Perinatalogist made it sound as if it the type we have is very easy to manage and he gave us the impression that we will not be part of the 5% that have to have their baby early. That is good to me. It would be nice to have one birth experience where we deliver the baby and get to hold and take her home with us the same day I leave. On the other hand, we are used to having babies and they either go to the NICU or they are not alive. I know this baby will be alright, it is just something in my heart that I know is true.

I hope that answered the questions. It was a good appointment. I have a ton of pictures of the Irish Dancer. And more to come, YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you have a good day.

TTFN,
Pez

Irish Dancer

2011-01-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

Today was a good appointment.

We found out that the umbilical cord is off center, but it is not completely on the side. We do not have to worry about the placenta breaking down and cutting off the supply to the Irish Dancer. That is good news.

Because it is off center the concern is that she may stop growing because in 5% of cord placements they baby does not get enough nurishment so it then becomes safer for the baby on the outside than the inside. By the time this would be the case the Irish Dancer would be at 100% viability for life. Just a bummer that she would be in the NICU for a little bit, maybe dependant on how big she is and when it happens. We go in every 5 weeks from now on to check on her growth.

We did find out the reason I don't feel her very much. She is down so low that her head is resting on my cervi.x as a pillow. She was not happy with the tech trying to get pictures of her. She kept flipping and twisting. It was funny.

That is about it.

TTFN,
Pez

22 weeks

2011-01-08T10:05:00.000-08:00

Wow, I am just so surprised that is happening. That I can even write that. I am still struggling with the situation with my BFF. I am carrying a new life and my friend is yet again watching one end. I feel guilty talking to her. When her husband died they were talking about having children. I was 22 weeks when I went up to see her. UGH!

I am on infection number 4. The nurse said this is just part of this pregnancy. That is fine with me as long as I can have a healthy baby at the end of it. It is all manageable with meds, I just have to keep a very close eye on what the symptoms are and call in when they start.

I do get to see the Irish Dancer again on Monday. The Dr. is going to check for the exact location of the insertion point of the umbilical cord and make sure that the cer.vix is not shortening or dilating. Pretty much anything they find at this appointment will be manageable and it just means more u/s so more times to see the Irish Dancer. I am good with that.

Have you ever watched old Rachel Ray shows compared to her newer seasons? She is rather subdued now. Sometimes she seems kind of cranky even.

Random, sorry. I need to go and call my BFF.

Oh, I just read some blogs and found out it is delurking week. Sorry to be so late. If you are reading my blog I would love to have you say hello and if you have a blog leave a link and I can go visit yours and find out more about you. Thank you lurkers for reading my blog. As well to my loyal followers.

TTFN,
Pez

Why is it??????????????

2011-01-06T20:22:00.000-08:00

Why is it that everytime I am pregnant my BFF deals with the loss of a loved one?

When I was pregnant with Mini Pez, L lost her husband when I was 5 months. It was sudden and unexpected. They had been married 3 years and 1 month exactly when he past away.

Tonight I get an email from her. Here I am 5 months pregnant and her brother-in-law, with whom she is very close is just a week or more away from losing his life to cancer. There is a new tumor and it is pressing on the hypothalmus. It is in operable and the tumor is affecting his hypothalmus, it is not able to regulate his body chemistry. There is nothing they can do but send him home and have hospice come and manage his last days.

She is sooo angry. It has been 4 years since her husband died and now she is watching his brother die. It has brought up alot of pain and grief from her own life. She is just so angry at why this is happening. They have 4 kids under 8 years old.

I am just having a hard time living in a different state. Once again she is going through something so painful and I am not there for her.

Sometimes life and the fact that sin is in the world and the reality of the affect it has on us is just to hard to deal with.

TTFN,
Pez

I did it

2011-01-04T21:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it.

I went into the baby section of Target and bought something. I took a deep breath and gripped the handle of the cart. It is a little dress. It is cute. Mini Pez was with me and she was going crazy. Oh momma we need this for the baby, we need this and this. Oh we need socks momma. So I got some socks also.

We gave away all of the baby clothing over a year ago. Unless this kid is born ready to wear 3T we need all new baby clothing.

I have a friend that is giving up a car seat, cradle and high chair. I have another friend who has a bassinet that we can borrow.

There is a couple at church that are getting ready to go to Thailand for IVF. Strange thought to me. What if it does not take????? Then what, fly back or do they just go and get the stuff and bring it back and do the transfers here? I have not asked her much about it. I am hoping to meet up with her before she goes.

TTFN,
Pez

Things that are this pregnancy

2011-01-02T15:02:00.000-08:00

There are so many "things" that are part of "this" pregnancy.

Longing to be pregnant, just one last time. Wanting to have just one more miracle. Feeling every kick and punch, being uncomfortable, having heartburn and giving birth.

Not being excited about it. I always see the excitement in other people and realize I should be that excited also.

Not really wanting to talk about it. Wanting to not talk keeps it from being so real. Keeps me from thinking about it.

Fear being the biggest part of it. It paralysed me in the beginning. Checking for spotting every hour. Questioning every twinge.  Holding my breath before I checked the TP. I still check for spotting now.

Waiting, for the bad to happen. Waiting to find out if there is a baby growing inside me. Waiting to make it past my loss date. Waiting to feel the flutters and movement.  Waiting for the day I go into labor.

The things I avoid. The baby clothing at Target or any other store. Most baby stuff. It has taken me this long to start the diaper bag. Names, with Mini Pez; Mr. Pez had only 1 week after we found out we were having a girl to pick a name. Now, well I am ok with taking forever. Still not ok with the name game part.

Negative thoughts that just float in and out of my brain.

The "IF's". If we have a living child, If we lose this one, If it is healthy. IF IF IF.

Other family members views. As if it was not enough that it affected us. It has also had an impact on our families.

My MIL sent out her Christmas letter. In it said "If all goes as planned Mini Pez will have a new sibling next year." She in no way means it in a hurtful way. It is just reality for them also. My mom told me on the phone the other day that she has not bought any clothing for this baby yet. That is when I realized I had not either. My mom has not even pushed for names. The last two pregnancies she started names as soon as we told her. She also started buying clothing right away neutral until she found out what we were having and then started buying more specific stuff. It is just part of this pregnancy she said. Yeah, it is. It is a sad statement, but a true statement.

I always thought restoration and redemption would come if I was pregnant again. I have realized that is not how God redeems or restores you after infertility or pregnancy loss.

It is in finding out a new what it is to be a Christian woman. Finding that my identity does not exist because I can have children or I am skinny or that I have a certain bust size.

It is me being and doing what God has called me to do.

Since the infections started I have been reciting two verses from the Psalms 62:5 and Psalms 116:7.

Today during worship there was a moment for reflection and I was praying to God and wishing that I could place my trust in this pregnancy going to term and having a living baby. Just as I was done talking to God about my lack of faith and trust the next song started. It was Psalm 62. It is in the little details that God takes the time to work out for each of us that makes me realize how much He loves us. What He is able to do is so much more than I can ever imagine.

Things that are this pregnancy intimate moments spent with the Lord during worship. There are good moments during this pregnancy, I just need to open my eyes to see them.

I hope you are having a great Sunday. I know I am.

TTFN,
Pez

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T12:42:00.000-08:00

I hope you have had a wonderful start to your New Year.

I started mine off with waking up to the Irish Dancer doing a few jabs/and or kicks. Seeing a huge acne goatee and heart burn. All in all a great way to start my new year.

Mini Pez started hers off with a grumpy bang. Mr. Pez is in a serious funk. I think I am the only happy one at home right now.

Well I got the interior and exterior fabric cut as well as the interfacing. I must be a serious glutton for punishment. I am making all sorts of changes to this diaper bag. I don't like snaps so I am using Velcro instead and there are no interior side pockets so I am making some. Not sure how it will turn out. As soon as I find the camera I will take some pictures of the fabric and the process/progress I am making on the diaper bag. Everything else that I am making will only take me about two days. It would only take a day if I had the proper time to spend on them, but with working on the days Mini Pez is in school and the fact that Mini Pez if awake fights with me to use the rotary cutter. So, I am relegated to night time after she goes to bed. I will get it done though.

So, what are all of you doing for this year? Any goal setting. My goals are to get better about saving money for the family and making and sticking to the family schedule. We are starting it on the 10th. I am doing small increments at a time. 2 to 3 hour blocks. I just hope Mini Pez will be good with some of the major changes. I will keep you updated.

Off to get a load of laundry ready.

TTFN,
Pez

Bring me back to the light. PLEASE

2010-12-31T12:01:00.000-08:00

So, I think I mentioned Mr. Pez has a name game. If I say Chloe he says "No sounds like some character from Clueless." Lexi "No, Lex Luther comes to mind." Well, today I crossed over to the dark side of the name game. Help me please bring me back to the light. Ok, wait background first. I gave him a short list of names; Elisabeth Hope, Hope Marie, Jillianne Hope and Tabitha Hope. So two nights ago he says "What about Alexandra?" Ok that came from left field. It is pretty, sure I like it. Then this morning I told him I would nickname her Lexi. He said he would call her Axes. I said, "No it sounds like Axes of Evil." Then the evil laugh came and he just smiled. Like the Cheshire cat. Oh man!!!! It took 10 minutes before he stopped gloating that I was thinking about names like him now. UGH!!!!!!!!! Help me!!!!!!

On a side note, I should not be using a rotary cutter. Why you ask? Good question. I took a picture but you can not see it so I am just going to tell you about it. I was holding the fabric down with my left hand and using the cutter around the template with my right and then the cutter went up over the cardboard template and right over my middle finger. You know that spot just below where the nail and the skin are no longer attached? Yep, right there and the cut went all the way through my nail and about a quarter of the way across my nail. Can we say OUCH. Typing right now hurts.

I hope you all have a great New Year's Eve.

TTFN,
Pez

Not to much

2010-12-30T17:52:00.000-08:00

Hello,

Not to much is up here. I am 21 weeks as of Friday. Wow, I never thought I would ever get to say that again. The acne is still really bad, but it makes me smile every time I see it in a mirror. I am feeling the Irish Dancer bouncing around more and more.

I have washed my fabrics and tonight I am making the cuts. Yikes, I also gave away my old diaper bag so I must get this done now. I have several other little things to make also.

Mini Pez is telling people I have a baby in my tummy and that it is growing and will soon just slide out.

I hope you all have a wonderful New Year's.

TTFN,
Pez

Blind Side and Cut lists

2010-12-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a great Christmas. Ours was really nice. Mini Pez loves her doll house and parry powcets. Translation Polly Pockets.

I LOVE the Blind Side. Mr. Pez got it for me for a Christmas gift. :D. It does fan the flames of my desire to do Foster Care. Even with the Irish Dancer coming. I just don't understand how that happens. How do people just make the choice to ignore their children. How do people just pass kids along like they mean nothing. It just gets me so upset.

I was laughing at times because I realized just how much I am like Leeann. I looked at Mr. Pez one time and said would you do that for me. He said Yea. I realized then that I am allot like her the tenacity and drive. I just really hope we will be in a place in a year or two and we can do Foster Care.

I have all of the fabric and the tutorials for the diaper bag and the little things that I want to make to hold stuff like diapers and wipes, binkies and other little stuff for my diaper bag. I am going to start this week. I found some really cool owl fabrics online, but after shipping and the price it was just to expensive. So I am back to just using scrap fabric from what I have. I have my owl Moby Wrap.

So, in 5 weeks I am on my third round of medicine. The 2nd medicine I was on killed all of the good bacteria that keeps yeast infections at bay. So, I got a yeast infection. UGH! I just hope this is the last infection that I have to deal with. I only have 20 weeks left.

I hope you have a good rest of the weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

And to all a good night

2010-12-24T17:03:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you have a wonderful day.

TTFN,
Pez

Pregnant brain

2010-12-22T20:37:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this is my afternoon and evening.

Mini Pez spilled her mini chocolate chips. I got the vacuum and vacuumed them all up. As I was putting the cord back I noticed I had never put the canister back. I have no clue where the chocolate chips went. hehehe

I am getting dinner ready I turn around and got stuff off the stove. I had everything ready to into the oven. I open the door and the oven is stone cold. It took me a minute to realize I only THOUGHT I had turned on the oven when I got all the stuff off of it.

Even better some how I deleted my entire post and had to retype what you have just read.

TTFN,
Pez

Not to much

2010-12-22T11:06:00.000-08:00

Not to much is going on here.

Mini Pez has a play date and she is getting kind of grumpy. UGH.

I have been looking around my house stressing out about all the clutter and the fact that my house is NOT baby friendly.

I am going to do the scheduled day thing after the holidays. It will just be easier to start it when there are no interruptions to the new system. Plus Mini Pez needs allot of prep that things are going to change. Like no cuddle time with Daddy first thing in the morning. That should go over well. UGH again.

The Irish Dancer does not seem to be moving as much today. I am just trying to stay calm and keep busy. I have cleaned the toilets, shower, sinks and counters. Oh and the walls and cabinets where Mini Pez has gotten paint. I love the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I stockpile them whenever they are on sale and I have some coupons to stack with the sale.

I need to get back into the habit of using my steam cleaner every other week again. My carpets are getting so dirty.

Ok, I need to go and thin out the shoe basket. Mini Pez has shoes in there that are too small. I need to get another basket for her so that we don't have to share.

I hope you are all having a good week and that you have a very Merry Christmas.

TTFN,
Pez

Ellie Ann's Legacy

2010-12-19T08:08:00.000-08:00

My friend J's neighbor was pregnant with a girl and at one of the appointments they could not find a heartbeat. The surgery was scheduled to have the baby and remove the placenta. The woman came home called her mom and said "Let's pray and fast. I know this baby is meant to be born alive." So her mom rushed out and bought figurine of a woman holding a baby. They put the name Ellie Ann on it and prayed and fasted for 24 hours. She went in for her surgery and they found the baby's heartbeat. She was born around her due date is is 6 years old now.

When J told this neighbor about Ella, the woman replaced Ellie Ann's name with Ella's and prayed for Ella to be born alive. She gave the figurine to J and told her this is not to keep. She must pass it on when someone she knows has a miracle baby girl. I was already crying at this point and then J told me she was passing it on to me. I was crying.

What an amazing friend I have in J.

TTFN,
Pez

Mini Pez and the Irish Dancer

2010-12-18T09:58:00.000-08:00

When I told Mini Pez she said she wants a baby brother. I told her that God gave her a sister and she said.. I want God to give me a baby brother. I don't know what else to say to that.

The name game has begun. Mr. Pez has shot down Hope because they will nickname her Ho. Elizabeth because they will call her Lizzy. Tabitha because they will call her Tab and there is already a soda and a key on computer keyboards with that name. Jillianne sounds like Gilligan. UGH!!!!!!!!

I go back to the Perinatalogist in 3 weeks. I had a D & C so they want to make sure that did not weaken my cervi.x. That made me happy because I will get to see the Irish Dancer one last time before we deliver. I promised Mr. Pez I will double check the sex. He has several friends and there are a few people at church that were told girl and then they delivered a boy. I guess some times the parts don't pop out right away.

I think that is all for me right now. It is raining here, YAY! Finally feels like fall.

TTFN,
Pez

It's a .......................

2010-12-17T15:30:00.001-08:00

Girl

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

butterflies

2010-12-16T13:49:00.001-08:00

Mr. Pez has been gone this week. :*( He is at the airport now and heading home.

I have to say it gave me butterflies in my stomach when I saw his facebook post. :D

I love that man.

TTFN,
Pez

GONE GONE GONE!!!!!!

2010-12-13T19:38:00.000-08:00

Well, the infection is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!!!!

The flu bug has passed. I am just kind of tired. I am so glad that Mr. Pez did not get it. That would have been a miserable flight from CA to NY.

Not much else going on here. Just doing a happy dance.

TTFN,
Pez

2 am

2010-12-12T18:11:00.000-08:00

This morning at 2 am Mini Pez walked in our room crying she had to frowd up. I walked her back to her room and laid with her for a few minutes. I got up feeling like I need to frowd up too. About 20 minutes later Mr. Pez shots up and says, I heard her puke. Sure enough we walk in her room and she is sitting up and puking on her bed. We got everything cleaned up and Mini Pez went back to sleep.

I went downstairs and the fun began for me. Poop soup all night. Around 5 am I started throwing up. I am worried that I have not eaten any real food and how the Irish Dancer is doing. I have not showered and I have laid down all day. This is my first time being vertical.

I hope you all had a good weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

Quote from Making Me Mom

2010-12-11T15:47:00.001-08:00

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" ~ Laura Bush

Is there anything else to say after that??? No.

The name game.

2010-12-11T14:52:00.000-08:00

I call it the name game. I say a name and Mr. Pez finds as many ways as possible to make fun of it.

I want the name Hope for a girl. Mr. Pez, says no, because people will call her Ho. WHAT???????????

Me: Jillianne, Mr. Pez, Jillianne Jill, nope to much like Gilligan. ????????????

Boy names, I like Nathaniel, Matthew and Wesley. I think Wesley is kind of out. Right now Mini Pez will say Wesswee instead.

It is an interesting ride getting him to pick a name.

This year I did not do anything for the twins Unfedd. I thought about them and wondered what life would be like, what would they look like. But, life here is busy now that I work on Thursdays.

Oh yeah, I got a job. I do the data entry for a Dr. at my church. Learning Quick.books again has been interesting. Not to mention that this Dr. hired people that have never worked in a medical office before. Having done front desk for medical since 1999; it is kind of frustrating at times to watch them just bumbling through the day and losing so much time due to lack of knowledge and also some of the things they do blow my mind.

I am just trying to do my work and when I can I just mention that is not something you should do. Like give away originals to the biller!!!!! Just saying.

My MIL got me the Moby Wrap that I wanted. Although now I am wondering if I got it to soon. Like with all this infection stuff, will I even have a living child at the end of this. I know I need to work on not being so negative.

TTFN,
Pez

I love having followers

2010-12-11T09:21:00.000-08:00

I just want to say Thank you. You are always there with an encouraging word for me. Thank you.

I go in on Monday for my follow up. Mr. Pez will be in Manhattan. We are going to write down all the questions that we both want addressed about this, and how things might need to change for the rest of the pregnancy. ~~If there is still a living baby inside me.~~ Sorry I am trying to change the negative thinking.

Thursday was the two year unfulfilled due date for the twins. It was easier than I thought it would be. I miss them, and the chaos life would be if they were here.

We went to a youth fundraiser at church last night. I asked this one person what the dress code was like and she said dress up. I told her I was going to wear my cocktail dress and wear some of those cut off at the ankle tights and she said No, that would be to casual. Well, guess what she was wearing last night. Jeans and a sweater. Yeah, I was alittle miffed.

This week should be a little less activity. Mr. Pez and Mini Pez are going to put up the tree and decorate it. Did I tell you about Mini Pez and the Christmas Trees??? Ok, we were at Rite Aid, and there are some small Christmas Tress out. She looks and says "WOW! This is AMAZING!" "We have one of those in a box." Yep, we do. I grew up with real trees and Mr. Pez grew up with fake ones. So, we use the fake one. I miss the smell of Christmas, and all the needles falling on the ground. I had to vacuum so that was part of Christmas to me.

Off to call L and then off to Qdoba with B. YUM!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you all have a great weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

Followup

2010-12-08T17:54:00.000-08:00

I have calmed down. I have a friend in WA that sent me a passage from Psalm. I needed that. She also reminded me that getting to caught up in fear and forgetting to praise God does have alot to do with me staying in the fear and depression.

I called the OB today and I have a retest on Monday. I feel much better knowing that I am going to get rechecked to make sure this is gone. I could not have gone 4 weeks until finding out if it was gone.

I have to go and eat dinner. Mr. Pez made burgers.

TTFN,
Pez

I have past my breaking point

2010-12-07T11:25:00.000-08:00

I went in today and was so appologetic for being so mental. I have been feeling this tightening and the nurse said it is probably braxton hicks not to worry just keep an eye on it. I asked her about the fact that I had a little dribble come at a time when I was stationary so I am freaking out if it is just bladder control issues or infection. So they retested me.

The infection never left. It may have been weakend by the first medication, but it did not cure it. My mind is out of control. Am I having contractions? If so this new medicine that they put me on is to late. I can't lose another baby.

I have to pick up Mini Pez at school and you can tell I have been crying. I can't stop. I am so past my breaking point.

Sorry I need to go just typing it out is making me cry.

Pez

OB tomorrow

2010-12-06T07:12:00.000-08:00

I am hoping there will be a heartbeat tomorrow, but I am also scared that there will not be one. This became heightened when I read the LFCA updates. Two women lost their babies at 4 months. I really need to stop reading that section.

I just had no idea how hard this pregnancy would really be. I knew I would be stressed, but I thought I was going to be more relaxed and able to breath by now. I keep thinking it will just happen. So far it has not. I am hoping that if I find out things are ok tomorrow that I will finally have that. The 17 will be the last u/s.

Ok, that is enough of me giving into fear. I just needed to get it out to someone. So you are my dumping ground. Sorry.

I hope you all had a good weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

Pringles Tamales and Green Salsa

2010-12-04T08:32:00.000-08:00

So, irony abounds with me. I am not a good cook by ANY STRETCH of the imagination. Yet, my friend S has me come over to her place on Fridays and help her son A cook. He is homeschooling and taking a course on cooking through the USA.

I went over to make Tamales. I brought a can of Pringles and S bought this great green salsa. I ate a ton of Pringles in the salsa and then we made tamales and I put more of the green salsa on it.

By the time I got home, I was ready to throw up. It never happened though. Oh man, I am good to never have Pringlese or green salsa again. I have a can of Pringeles in on my kitchen counter and when I walked by them just now, it made me feel kind of sick all over again.

I am Neti Potting twice a day now. This pregnancy I have a post nasal drip. It is really bad. So, I am doing that nasal lavage twice a day to keep it from turning into another sinus infection. It takes awhile to get used to, but once you get used to the salty taste in the back of your throat it is ok. It does clear me up for several hours.

My next OB appt. is this coming Tuesday. I hope everything is ok. I have my Perinatal scan and find out what we are having on Dec. 17.

I think that is it for me. I hope you are all having a good weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

Book

2010-11-28T17:58:00.000-08:00

I am seriously LOVING this book. It is called Managers of Their Home. Like I said it is for homeschooling, but it still works for scheduling purposes.

Here is the link if you are interested. It is $25.00 per book there is one for chores also. Each book comes with a kit to make your own schedule.

http://www.titus2.com/ Go to products.

Enjoy if you decided to look at it or buy it. I am seriously going to get them.

TTFN,
Pez

Managers of Their Home

2010-11-27T20:39:00.000-08:00

I think I have admitted this before. I am not domestic. I marvel at the SAHM who can keep the house clean, do laundry, spend time with the kids and do all the cooking. I thought it would be so easy. I was very wrong. My house is always a disaster, and I am not a good cook. I do spend time with Mini Pez though.

All that to say, I have borrowed a book from my friend M. It is revolutionary!!!!!!! I have tried to set up schedules before and I never stick to them. This teaches you how to make a schedule that makes sense to me. It talks about scheduling time to do the kitchen and rotate the chore that you do there everyday. Like make your grocery list and check what you have in the pantry so you don't over buy. WOW that is a new thought to me. It teaches you how to make time for playing with your kids and how to schedule chore time with them. It is a great book. I have asked for it for Christmas. If I don't get it I am going to buy it for myself so I have the reference.

Anyway, it is really meant for homeschooling LARGE families. But I can make it work for me. This post probably sounds really sad, but I am just not a domestic Diva. I am hoping this will help me.

Have a good week.

TTFN,
Pez

16 weeks 2 days

2010-11-27T10:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I am officially pregnant longer than my last pregnancy. 15 weeks 5 days.

My next appointment is on Dec. 7. I am trying to stay calm and believe that the baby is still alive. I did not realize how hard that was going to be.

The round ligament pain just disappeared and I freaked out about that. Mr. Pez told me to reread my scripture verses. I love my husband. I will never understand how he deals with my mood swings and my freak outs.

I hope you are all having a good weekend.

TTFN,
Pez

P.S.
It is also driving me nuts; where are Max and Ruby's parents???????????????

Big sister

2010-11-26T08:34:00.000-08:00

Today is a day that I regret having told Mini Pez. She is excited to practice being a big sister to a baby that is coming over today.

When we announced the twins pregnancy we bought Mini Pez a shirt that said I'm the Big Sister. We took a picture of her in it and sent out an email saying Mini Pez has a secret to tell you.

I have been looking at big sister tshirts. I found one and it is really cute. I am afraid to buy it.

Every time I rub or itch my stomach Mr. Pez asks Are you having contractions? When I come out of the restroom Are you bleeding? How sad that this is the reality we live in for this pregnancy.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him." Psalms 62:5 I keep reminding myself of that.

I have so much to be thankful for, Mr. Pez is wonderful. Mini Pez is crazy and lovable. I just wish I could let that override the fear.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

TTFN,
Pez

Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T07:53:00.001-08:00

I hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving.

TTFN,
Pez

Update

2010-11-23T17:57:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I don't use the computer during the day. Only at night after Mr. Pez is home or in the wee hours of the morning.

I called and the Doctor called me back. He said to stop the Mon.istat and see if it gets better. Since the symptoms of the yeast infection were so minor it might have only taken one treatment to get rid of it. Also, since the symptoms were so minor it could have been a reaction to the first medicine also. They don't want to take any chances though, better safe than sorry so that is why they had me go on the Mon.istat.

If I don't feel better by Monday I am to call the oncall in the morning and they will come in early to see me before clinic starts.

That made me feel better. They are really nice. One of the nurses even called later today to see if I was ok.

The burning is gone now and the itching has not happened at all today. The round ligament pain has set in though. WHOA, I had forgotten about how sore you get during that.

Other than that not much else is going on now. Just taking it easy.

I hope you all have a good day and a Happy Thanksgiving.

TTFN,
Pez

Reaction

2010-11-23T06:42:00.000-08:00

Good day. I woke up at 2 am feeling like the netherregion is on fire. Turns out that is an allergic reaction. So I am waiting for the OB to open so I can call them again. There is nothing like being the freak patient. I was crying most of the night. I am so scared to go in and find no heartbeat, but I really want to go in at this point and just find out.

It's gonna be a llllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnggg day.

TTFN,
Pez

Just life stuff

2010-11-22T19:06:00.000-08:00

So the medicine I was on for the infection caused a yeast infection. I guess it is very common. I just wish it was not happening the same week as my loss date. My mind is racing with what ifs and what was that twinge?

The guy who stole Mr. Pez's identity wow is all I can say. He is already on probation and Mr. Pez has been told he can go to his court date later this week. Uh no thank you. What I can't believe is that Trans Union granted the credit to Target based on a false drivers lic, and false ssn. All this guy had was the correct address and dob. Can you believe one of the major credit companies did not deny the credit, they approved it. I am just blown away by that.

So tomorrow is the day. 15 weeks and 5 days. I am really freaking out with all this infection stuff.

Mini Pez has informed me that wiping her own bummy is something that a 5 year old girl does, not a 4 year old girl. Oh my.

Mr. Pez joined a soccer team and starts tomorrow night. I am so excited, I have always wanted to be the wife rooting on her hubby. hehehe.

That is all here. I hope all is going good for you.

TTFN,
Pez

Seriously?????????? REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-11-20T13:23:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night at 6:30 Mr. Pez gets a call from the corp. office of a major department store asking if he had indeed opened an account at their store that day. No, was the reply and so then he had to go through all the loops of talking with the fraud department and the like.

In the mean time Mr. Pez is putting a fraud alert on his credit and all of that stuff finding out what he needs to do to have it on for 7 years and blah blah blah.

30 minutes later he gets a call from one of the local stores saying that the guy is in that store using the card RIGHT NOW. They are wondering if he would like to press charges. UH, YES!!!!!!!!!! So the drama goes on until 11:30 at night.

The next day I do a bunch of calls and find out who the detective on the case is the case number and all of that stuff. I pass it on to Mr. Pez.

Thursday and Friday go by with bland vanilla kind of day stuff.

Saturday, I get the mail and there is a Target card in the mail for Mr. Pez. He calls and they terminate the card and Mr. Pez gives them the case number and the detectives name and number to contact to add this to the list of charges.

This guy was opening accounts in stores that are over 80 miles away from where we live!!!!!!!!! No one thought, huh that is odd? Here is my real bent though. They should have a law that you may NOT open credit cards at the point of purchase. With Identity theft so prevalent it is just irresponsible on the stores part to do that anymore.

Plus this guy had a fake driver's lic. and our address. That is all he needed to open the accounts. That is all. He did not even had the right driver's lic. number. Thank heavens. But just the right address, that is it.

Really that is all he needed?

Live cultures

2010-11-17T19:51:00.000-08:00

You know when you buy yogurt and it boasts of having live cultures. Those live cultures are actually bacteria that a woman's ute needs. They are in essence "Good bacteria." The down side of these "Good bacteria" is that they are bacteria. They can turn into an infection anytime. Most women are non symptomatic for an infection. The theory is that these infections come and go. It depends on which side of the fence your OB is on as to whether or not they think that when you are pregnant that one of these infections can cause Pre-term Labor, miscarriage or stillborn.

Rewind two years and a few months ago. The OB that I saw when I was pregnant with the twins did not test me for any of these "Good bacteria" infections, because I was one of the ones that is non symptomatic. He did not test for it until after we lost the twins. This infection is what kept the ruptured area on my artery from healing.

Fast forward to today. The past few days I have been feeling some pressure way down in the Netherregion. I also thought wow, I have lost all bladder control. I told my husband as a haha thing, and he got concerned. He asked me to call the OB. I did this afternoon. The nurse was reading my file while talking to me, I kept apologizing for being the paranoid patient. She told me I have every right to be paranoid after what I have been through and that I should come in and get some peace of mind. She made me feel good, but she was also concerned that I should not be feeling any pressure down that low.

So, the Dr. H comes in and chit chats and explains a few things about the effect progesterone can have and does some cultures. Lets me hear the heartbeat, checks my fundus and my cervix. All that was great. She goes to run the cultures under a scope and have me meet up with her in her office. Imagine my fear when she tells me that I have another one of those bacterial infections that can cause another miscarriage. I thought I was going to cry. She said that it was in the early stages and that was a good thing.

I called Mr. Pez and he was scared also. I sent out a prayer request to my friends and family. I think it is time to get my self a verse to memorize to help me keep my peace and sanity through the rest of this pregnancy.

I hope all is well with you,

Pez

baby pictures

2010-11-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

We have a picture of Mr. Pez, Mini Pez and me when she was 3 weeks old. I walk by it a zillion times a day going to the restroom. Today it struck me, one how tiny she was and also I get another one hopefuly in May. It made me smile and tear up alittle. Both fear and excitement take a hold at the same time.

Our complex manager was asking how the pregnancy was going. I told her how I was holding up. I said it is just a weird time. I will pass my loss date next week and then three weeks later will be my EDD for the twins.

I seriously think I am going to take my OB up on going in to listen to the heartbeat.

TTFN,
Pez

Tickle tickle and a bed

2010-11-14T18:58:00.000-08:00

The other morning Mini Pez sat next to me and looked at my tummy. Then out of the blue she starts tickling my tummy and saying "Tickle tickle tickle." Then she had this confused look on her face and said "why the baby not playing with me?" I love it.

This morning as I came down the stairs Mini Pez took her purple blanket and had it laying on the ground with a couch pillow and was so happy to tell me that she made a bed for the baby. That way when it grows out of my tummy it has a place to sleep.

She is just to cute.

TTFN,
Pez